LOCANDA LOCATELLI (LL) – London, UK. 0

www.locandalocatelli.com

*Sigh* – Where oh where to start……

You know what, on the way home from LL tonight I said to husbies ”I’m just going to be honest in my review of this joint” and Husbies said ”You’re ALWAYS honest” and I said ”I know, I know, but this time, I just have SO MUCH TO SAY that I am going to SIT AND THINK HARD about each individual and separate aspect of this place and then speak thy truth, I’m going to try not to exaggerate (well, whatever) and I am going to try to separate my ‘overall feeling’ from the ‘accurate feelings’ that I actually do have about all of the individual key components of tonight’s experience.”

It is for this reason that the review will be broken up in a ‘never before’ (on phoodie.com) seen-way and set-out under specific headings.

Here goes……

LOCATION AND SETTING

LL is located rightttttt near Marble Arch – just off Edgware Rd in Seymour, number 8 to be exact – in simple English – central London. Quiet Street. Subtle Frontage. Cool, crisp, gently modern interior, nice. Nothing special. Nothing not-special. Nice. Ok… Ok…very cosy, intimate, dimly-lit, blah-di-blah – not much to comment on in this regard.

We are seated at a table for two – one of us sits on the joint banquette and the other, opposite, on an exceptionally uncomfortable chair. The tables for two that aren’t linked to the banquette are far more ‘special’ and comfy.

STAFF

Upon arrival we are greeted by about 5 people standing at the door. Big smiles, no one’s ”too cool” – all seem Italian – our name is found immediately, we are taken straight to our table. All good.

Our waiter is a lovely chap, confident but calm, definitely not too big for his boots.  Drinks orders are taken immediately, not all drinks arrive immediately. Ok – sorry, frazzled brain, let me explain, husbies orders a G and T and I order sparkling mineral water (y’all know I don’t drink!). Mineral water comes straight away…..no gin……no gin……still no gin….. Sommelier comes and takes husbies’ wine order……husbies places order and then reminds our waiter ’bout the gin…….gin comes, wine comes – ahhhhhhhhhh, husbies can’t drink gin and wine at the same time now can he?!?! So maybe it might have been a good idea to hold the wine til we got to eat somethin’?? Attention to detail? Lack-thereof?

Needless to say I only realise this in hindsight, as at the time I am too busy shovelling home-made parmesan bread sticks – 50cm in length, into my gob. Served in a long glass – they taste just as gorgeous as they look! In addition to this, the basket of home-made bread is also exceptionally tear-worthy – a combo of homemade tomato bread, focaccia, and a couple of others with Sicilian olive oil is fabu-loso!

ANTIPASTI

Husbies has the CARPACCIO DI POLIPO E TARTARE DI POMODORO (Octopus Carpaccio, tomato and basil)  – simple, tasty, generous serving of octo-carp with finely finely diced bright red toms and some basil and oil – mmmm – great – and I have the INSALATA DI CALAMARI ALLA GRIGLIA (Char grilled squid, chilli and garlic) – on a bed of rocket, ever so slightly undercooked, tasty none-the – less – about £12/£13 each.

PASTA/RISOTTO

Husbies has the RISOTTO AI GAMBERI E FIORI DI ZUCCHINE (Prawn and Courgette Flower Risotto)  – ultra creamy, perfect consistency, perfectly cooked, very flavoursome, rather delicious, light on the prawns and flowers but, meh, typical, good serving though – and I have the LINGUINE ALL’ ASTICE (Linguine with Lobster, Garlic and Chilli) – good, quite typical again, nothing out of the ordinary, very fresh, very tasty, but a little bit whatever, also a tad light on the Lobster. About £18 each.

MAINS

Husbies has the ORATA AL FORNO FINOCCHI STUFATI E BAGNA CAUDA (Roast sea bream with fennel, escarole and ”bagna cauda” sauce) – UN-DERRRRRR-COOOOOKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALARM BELLS!!!!!!!! Sadly husbies only got to eat about 1/3 of his fish as it was too undercooked to finish – this is a very very big no no! THE WORST part about it was when the waiter came to collect our plates and said ”Was everything ok?” and Husbies said ”What I ate was lovely but the majority of my fish wasn’t cooked through” – the waiter replied ”I think that’s the way it is supposed to be cooked” – NO FOOL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO – Red meat is ”meant” to be served medium – but if a customer wants it black, then do it fool – but I can take the comment of ”Medium is how it’s MEANT to be – even as annoying as that can be – BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT FISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and POULTRYYYYYYYYYYYY are NOT MEANT TO BE RAWWWWWWWWWWWW unless it is like squid carpaccio etc – SO DO NOT TELL ME THAT ROAST SEA BREAM IS MEANT TO BE RAWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! It reallllllly made me mad!!!

I had the Neck of Lamb served on Polenta with a red wine sauce – it was absolutely delicious – very very good – too large for me to finish – which is a rarity – yes yes lovely – would order it again – but again, not amazingly different or unique or even the BEST I have had – but lovely nonetheless.

Average price of our two mains was £27.

We also ordered the Zucchine Fritte – Fried Courgette – very crispy, yummo and the Green Beans – fine.

DESSERT

We shared the tart of the day which was a Plum Frangipane served with Vanilla Ice cream – was very good – nothing unusual – tasty, sweet, fresh – nice. Petit fours were all very alcoholic – not to my taste – but easy on the eye and a nice offering. Tart was around £6 – fine.

SUMMARY

On our way out I was still reeling at the reaction of the ‘seemingly nice’ waiter to the Bream complaint – look he wasn’t a bad bloke but COME ON!!!!

Anyway, we paid the bill, left the normal tip, and as I was grabbing my coat I spoke to the Maitre’d. I said ”Listen, we’ve had an absolutely lovely evening, really we have, and we would have no objection in returning, but I just thought I would let you know that my husband’s Bream was very underdone and as a consequence he was only able to eat less than half of it.” She responded by saying ”Oh – I am very very sorry about that,  I will be sure to pass the message on to the kitchen and to management” – I said ”Thanks so much”.

The moral of the story is that whether she does or doesn’t pass the message on, that’s all I wanted to hear, I wanted someone to acknowledge that WE HAD BEEN RIPPED OFF – to put it slightly aggressively! We do eat out quite a bit, but it’s not every single day or week that we go Michelin and I’m sorry, at Michelin level, I don’t want raw fish – unless I’ve ordered Sashimi.

As husbies pointed out – in an effort to calm me down I think – 8 out of the 9 things we ordered were really lovely – we shouldn’t let one thing taint our perception of this place. And, as usual, he’s right. But, in addition to this, it wasn’t JUST the Bream, it was also the waiters response (Ok – GET OVER IT – I hear y’all saying), it was the messed up drinks order at the start and the dropping of cutlery that happened behind my head at least 4 times during the night, it was the shell I found in my Lobster pasta and it was the uncomfy chairs as well – that make me question whether we will in fact, ever go back – in any case, if we do, we won’t rushin’.